alone at night
in a bedroom that I used to own
I feel like half myself when they ask
Have I grown?
watching the snow
drift side to side
there's one thing I know...
that your life, your house, your job and everything you buy, it's nothing, it gives you nothing, it doesn't make you happy, and it wouldn't make me happy
I know everything you do and want for me isn't for me and that I'll never ever ever be what you wanted me to be
I know I'll always disappoint you and I'm sorry
I know I'm sorry
Track Name: Celibate
Late at night in your bedroom
Clothes in a pile, holding hands with a smile
I kissed your cheek softly
You turned your head, raised your brow, embrace me now, embrace me now
And when you sat up on top of me and told me to rub you circularly
I kind of felt like we hadn’t talked about any of this
And soon enough it was clear to you, that I did not know what to do
And even more obviously in view proof that I was not nearly as enthused
What’s wrong you asked, what’s wrong?
It’s just that I
I’m not alright with being asked to be forceful
Not that you aren’t special
Just I don’t know why these things have been prescribed
And so we said goodnight, an awkward goodbye
But if they asked you, could you please just lie?
-what d’you mean?
Don’t tell my dad I’m a fag
Don’t tell them that I cry
Don’t say that when having sex I bite my lip the whole time
I can’t tell them I’m all alone
Can’t tell them that I've grown to see there’s no one else quite so silly as me
as to fall in love
With people not bodies in love
I should have known, that I am alone
That maybe there’s nobody to love me
And that’s okay, and I can finally say
There’s nothing wrong with these things about me
I don’t need to be, violent angry or scary
To convince anyone to like me
I can be myself, I can be alone
I could be quite content just sitting at home, with a few good friends
Track Name: texting my mother
Texting my mother. I said that I miss her, that I wish I had a better relationship with her, not because I’m angry at her or blame her for anything, but because I think I used to when I was young and I can remember telling the first grade friends that I liked to cuddle up to my mother and they told me that I shouldn’t do that and so I stopped and I still remember this and I think probably still feel kind of weird. But she and I talked about our feelings when there was no one else around like three weeks ago, and for the first time in decades I felt a relationship with her, I felt accepted and validated and like fuck society anyway cuz I can be myself without them telling me what is or is not good for me.
She replied back “I miss you too, and I worry sometimes, about all of you.” Maybe adding that last part so as to not personally attack me, but it didn’t feel that way, it felt like she cared, like maybe she knew that I was hurt and not okay at all and just needed to feel loved and that I wish she was here and I knew her and could feel okay about myself, and that maybe all of us feel that way.
I don’t know how to reply. I miss you too, even though I already said it and I feel something so hopeful and beautiful within me flowing out, radiating, making every detail of this disgusting Philadelphia apartment feel like home. Hello mice, my beautiful young friends, I am finally loved. Hello trash that endlessly blows, I am finally loved and everything is beautiful. Hello the thunderstorm they say will come tonight and everyone gossips in the street and hallways about whatever bullshit was on the TV about it, I finally feel kind of okay and I want to tell you too that it’s all okay. Hello my dear broken boy, sad and scared and crying to his silent self at home tonight, you don’t have to cry anymore, I will always love you. Hello you poor poor people whose fates are indelibly worse than mine, it is not over because I love you, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved, you are redeemed, you are allowed, you are okay, you are beautiful, you are precious and special and we all love you. You don’t have to prove anything. You can be yourself finally. You can love finally. You can live finally, and I’ll be right there with you the whole time. Know me, I am you, I am your friend, I am just as fucked but we can laugh or cry when we fall apart and stay up all night to watch whatever may rise from out of the Delaware together